Matthew’s Cheap Ass

As the current, exclusively-Johnnie audience of this website is aware, the 2017 Croquet Match is coming up. Because I am not an idiot, I have known about this for several months. But because I actually am an idiot, I have decided to go. And, building upon my previous point about being an idiot, I bought my plane ticket to Annapolis only a few days ago. Even though I’ve been planning on going for months.

Naturally, had I bought the ticket several months ago, I could have gotten a much cheaper ticket. How much money did my ticket cost, you ask? Shut up, I reply.

I bought my ticket during on a Tuesday during the two 45 minute periods when my students are out of the classroom. I usually spend this time browsing social media, or else reading an entry in some of the weirder blogs that I follow. But on that fateful Tuesday, I decided instead to finally purchase my plane ticket.

If you’re reading this article in order to discover how much I paid for that ticket — which, I promise you, was much too much — then you will be sorely disappointed. I am simply not going to spill those beans.

Because, you see, one of the conditions of being friends with Matthew is having to constantly battle the little demon inside you who constantly criticizes your hasty, demonstrably unwise and un-frugal decisions. Make no mistake: it is not Matthew himself who offers these judgments (that is, if you don’t count Matthew’s occasional guffaws when you, for example, tell him the hefty price of the ticket that you bought to Annapolis). Rather, it is just that Matthew is so damn good at being frugal (I mean, heck, he listens to a podcast called Planet Money, and even follows a subreddit about saving cash) that you cannot help but feel that your own pitiful attempts to save money pale so much in comparison to Matthew’s that it would be worthless even to try to save.

Which is why I spent only about seven minutes total (yes, you read that correctly: I spent under ten minutes) looking for “the cheapest possible” plane ticket to Annapolis last Tuesday.

Seven minutes.

What, are you judging me? Stop that. Stop it right now. I never promised that this article would offer you anything but a lighthearted criticism of Matthew’s maddening frugality. I am not sorry if you got the wrong impression.

I fully suspect that you will see more than one or two articles, penned by our dear cheapskate friend Matthew, telling you how to save cash. Keep an ear and an eye out for his his quirky, characteristic brand of self-deprecation, overall financial helpfulness, and total debilitating, insufferable smugness.

Do I blame Matthew’s frugality for my willful lack of it? Yeah, more or less.

Let me tell you, it’s a rough trip getting caught in a conversation with Matthew about how much money he “really should be saving but isn’t,” when, in fact, the amount of money that he’s saving is equal to the amount of money I spent frivolously on artisanal vegan burgers, out-of-print books by Rudolf Steiner, and expensive artwork for my classroom where third graders projectile-vomit onto the patch of carpet directly behind, in front of, or next to the trash can.

But… am I right in blaming Matthew for my financial stupidity? Well, no. Obviously not.

I paid $498 for that stupid ticket.


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